barn

Friday, December 18, 2009

Christmas in a whole new light

This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
This is how it is
And our God is in control


This is not how it will be
When we finally will see
We'll see with our own eyes
He was always in control


And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day

This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey
But this is where we are
And our God is in control

Though this first taste is bitter
There will be sweetness forever

When we finally taste and see
That our God is in control


And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day

We're waiting for that day
We'll keep on waiting for that day
And we will rise
Our God is in control

-Steven Curtis Chapman



Dad 038

Oh how I miss that smiling face! Tomorrow marks a month since Dad went home to be with his Savior and it still doesn't feel real. It's hard to imagine not hearing that laugh again.

....I love the line of the above song where it says, "though the first taste is bitter, there will be sweetness forever. When we finally taste and see. That our God is in control".

Dad would tell me to stop trying to control things because God alone has control (not because he had that down...if you knew him you knew he still worried :)) yet because of his tendency to worry I believe God impressed this truth on his heart in a special way. Sometimes I find myself having to declare those words to my heart in the hard days. Because even though I know its true my heart doesn't feel it.  I want to be in control of my life and it's hard to let go of my plans and how I imagined my life to look like today and rest in God's hands knowing he is in control and the craziness I feel is not outside of his plan or control. How I long for the day when I finally taste and see. When all of this pain makes sense. When I can stand before my Savior and see the whole picture and in response cry out Holy, holy, holy is my God!

It's fun sometimes to think about what Dad's doing. I know very little theologically about heaven (something I'm struggling through) but I like to picture him laughing, smiling that grin, and worshipping Christ. I wonder sometimes, is he with the two babies my mom miscarried? How cool and weird is that thought! Although I can't really know what Dad is doing I know that he is completely satisfied, that the tears have been wiped away, his body restored, his joy complete. No matter how great his life here was it can't even compare to the party he's having now.

All because our God sent his son as a humble baby to be born in a manger, then to be  betrayed and crucified to pay for our sins. That puts a face on Christmas this year. I grasp that gift in a way I didn't before.

This Christmas is bound to be different. I won't be in Oregon so although I might not notice my Dad's absence physically I know my thoughts won't be far from that. Yet even in the sadness of my loss I have more reason to celebrate this Christmas because I'm so much more thankful for what I gain through Christ. I'm thankful that for this season in my life while I'm here living in this broken world that I have loving husband who is super supportive, three brothers who can make me laugh, two sisters who relate to me, a loving mom, hope and a God that is in Control!